WHAT DOES THE FUTURE HOLD!

Like chewing on tin foil

Why does everything have to be so frustrating and hard lately? I mean jesus! I am up shit Niagara without a rubber ring and the fecal coast guard is on holiday.

I mean, I know life will never go how you planned, but at the moment it's on a downward spiral to rock bottom. I literally have no idea who I am anymore because of it. It's hard to believe the events of last year have changed me as much as they did, I am just...lost, I guess.

I'm failing miserably at college, with what were good grades just melting away like a nazi who just cracked open the arc of the covenant, I'm having up-and-down mood swings (mostly down) that are really playing havoc with my home life, and I find myself at a bar every saturday night for the past month getting drunk and trying to suppress all these feelings for another week.

It's gotta stop, I'm gonna hurt myself otherwise.

I just found myself laying in bed this morning and trying so hard to find a reason to get up. I practically have nothing left to really live for. I've managed to piss everything away and fuck a lot of things up. So I figure the one, sole reason for carrying on right now is curiosity.

I want to see where I do end up in the next ten years. I am going to try and make it up to myself, because at this point...it's only really me who gives a shit about ME!

Omnislash my heart

Okay, so, like any 18 year old lad who has been playing videogames ever since he got a gameboy pocket for his 5th birthday and totally blitzed 'Kirby's Dreamland' until the local bloc bully steals it one day and you have to run and tell your mum to get it ba- Okay, wait, getting off topic now.

Anyway, like any kid, I used to own a playstation. We got one for christmas one year, and we got a bunch of games with it. Among that pile was a little game called 'Final Fantasy 7' (Or as I called it at that age, Vee-eye-eye)

I was only 8 at the time I believe, so I didn't quite have the attention span needed to play the game. I only got as far as the Temple of the Ancients where Demon Wall kept destroying me...that was frustrating enough for me to never play it again.

Eventually, I forgot about the game, and when I turned 14 I found it whilst rummaging through a box of junk. I thought I'd give it another go, because it had become such an iconic game by then. So, I managed to get as far as the Diamond Weapon battle this time, before my PS2 died horribly from unnown circumstanced.

So, after coming to terms with the fact I will never be able to avenge Aeris, I start saving up for a brand new xbox 360 and forget about my Sony-ridden past.

Last year however, I bought myself a shiny, new PS3, and got a free £20 PSN card with it. After browsing the v

irtual store shelves for a few minutes, I spot it. Final Fantasy VII, in all its glory. Without a second thought, I DOWNLOAD THE SHIT OUT OF IT!

Last week, I finally finished it, and I loved every damn second of it. The twist-and-turn storyline, the simple and engaging battle system, the character development, the

music (obviously), even the 3 days I spent inbreeding chocobo's to get a gold one was still enjoyable.

But when I hit the ending, those final moments when you unleash an all powerful death-strike on that silver haired douchebag and the credits start rolling...I just felt so empty. I really REALLY loved this game, and I was a little upset to see it all over. There has never, and will never be another game that will make me feel that way.

So, I think, after all these years, I finally know what all the fuss was about.

Bill, I believe this is killin' me

So, life has had me cowering in a corner whilst it beats me with a sock full o' pennies recently, and annoyingly...it 'aint letting up. It's giving it to me like I broke it's good china and wiped my arse on it's wedding dress.

There is just so much needless stress crashing down on me, and it's freaking exHAUsting! So naturally, I'm shutting myself away from the cruel bitch world outside and working HARD to clear it all up.

Of course, some good is gonna come out of all this eventually. I am currently finishing the script and casting for my first off-my-own-back play.

It's set in the post-apocalypse, so you KNOW it's gonna be good.

Of course, among all this stress, angst and anger, some good peeks through.

I made peace with a friend of mine after a big blowout (down to mis-understandings and me being not level-headed) and to be honest with you I really don't know what I would have done if I'd lost them because of it. If you are reading this then you know who you are, thank you for taking an idiot back.

ALSO! Got a new needle for my vinyl disk player, so I can listen to young Kylie Minogue's greatest hits in terrible, grainy quality. Because GOOD LUCK FINDING THEM ELSEWHERE!

Anyway, signing off with the post's namesake...

I AM IRON MAN!

So, today has taught me one very important thing.

I am fucking INDESTRUCTIBLE!

So, there I was walking to college (It was sunny, and I fancied a 4 mile walk, okay?) and I was NOT paying attention to my surroundings, I had music blaring in my ears and a the light breeze was blowing my too-long fringe into my eyes. Yeah, time to get a hair cut I think, BUT ANYWAY!

I begin to cross this road, and totally disobeyed the 'stop, look, go' rule, and the demi-god of traffic (Yes, there is one, but I forget it's name...google it) must have taken offence, and was all like "Right, I'm gonna get this fucker..." and sent a freakin' MONSTER of a pick-up truck hurtling down the street.

I glanced to the left too late, and suddenly I find myself with a chest full of bumper, and a chin covered in bonnet, before being thrown about 5 feet forward.

Now, the driver was a short, blonde woman with some big-ass shades on. Is that a stereotype? Must've been her totally ripped boyfriends car.

She jumps out to check if I'm okay, runs toward me all freaked out because I wasn't moving (gonna be honest, I was doing that to scare her a little, I'm a bastard, I know) and starts tapping my shoulder frantically asking if I was okay, with an underlying tone of "This better not effect my no-claims bonus".

I eventually get to my feet, my ribs felt like they had been turned upside-down, but other than that I was fine. I stumbled around a little, and she offered me a lift to the hospital (after I had told her it was totally my fault, of course) and even though I persisted I was okay (because I was) she practically bundled me into the car and took me anyway.

As she dropped me off at the main entrance, and vanished down the street, I buggered off home.

My ribs still throb a little, and I now have a crippling fear of leaving the house, but other than that, I'm fine!

Suck THAT traffic god!

I'm a 'woo' girl.

If saturday night taught me anything, it's that I still can't handle my drink, but I will gladly back 4 pitchers of cocktail.

I can't help my self around the stuff, it's such a fruity drink, and I'm a fruity man! ...uhm, wait I don't think thats right.

I couldn't tell if I was actually drunk by the end of the night, or just hyperactive from the heaps of e-numbers, but whatever it was, it felt so goooooooood.

So let it be known, I love me some woo woo.

Also, a surprise visit from my lovely girlfriend quite simply made the night. She got along with all my friends, and they liked her, so thats all that matters right now. So here's to her! *raise your jug*

MORE PURPLE RAAAAAAAIN!

Don't fear the Reaper

First of all...

Robert 'BobBob' Webb

1951 - 2011

(See, you couldn't convince us you were 52 forever)

May you rest in peace.

I went to his funeral today, and all the way through I couldn't help but think how horribly Christian the whole thing was. Bob was a solid Atheist, and this fat-ass priest at the front telling us all 'God takes him into his divine palace' was just silly.

So, this made me think about MY funeral (Naturally) and what I want to happen.

I am also not a Christian, I guess I am atheist, but I do like a lot of Norse Pagan ideology. So when I die, none of this suit-and-coffin bullshit, no no, I want my body wrapped and burned on a pyre in the middle of a field. As I burn, thats when the wake begins, everyone needs to get drunk and listen to all my favorite songs, party 'till I'm a charred shell, then PARTY SOME MORE!

Oh, and NO ONE is allowed to wear a suit or dress. Things that beautiful should not be brought to a sad event. Save them for weddings and important dates!

Also, if ONE person says 'He is with god now' or 'It's all part of gods plan' THROW THEM ON THE FIRE WITH ME!

You RUINED Dr. Grant!

So, I got this friend Martin, and we shoot the shit a lot, most of the time rip the shit out of the world around us like the ANGSTY TEENAGERS WE ARE! YEAH, FUCK EVERYTHING!

Anyway, Last night we were talking about this girl from college we know. She is quuuuite a bit of a slag, she has a boyfriend and when he is not around likes to get over-friendly with other guys. Quite funny to watch really, but anyway, back to the conversation...

We gave her a new nickname...Event Horizon.

Now, if you have seen event horizon, you can skip to the end of this post. Event horizon is an old sci-fi horror flick in which the human race invent warp-travel by creating

black holes that transport things to the other side of the universe. But of course, something goes wrong...the first manned spacecraft tries passing through one of these portals, ends up going missing for ten years, then re-appearing all of a sudden...only there are no lifesigns on board. How Ominous eh? Turns out, the ship entered the black hole and found itself in hell!

The ship is now a conduit to all that is evil, and the rescue team sent by earth get killed off one by one minus one unlucky guy who gets corrupted by the evil energy bec

ause HE HAS SEEN WHAT THE SHIP HAS SEEEEEEEN! Sure, not epic writing, but it's still good.

Anyway, she is now known as 'Event Horizon' because if you put your 'spaceship' into her 'black hole' it comes out all gross and haunted.

As a result, you might kill all your friends...

Childhood has me by the balls.

Nostalgia. A thing we all experience, a thing we can all nod and say 'Ahh, good times.' to and look longingly into the distance.Today I have been positively bombarded by it. But experiencing nostalgia and trying to re-enact what you did as a child as I found out, is such a harrowing thing.

It all started with breakfast. I had frosties...have not had frosties since I was 8, jesus christ they are still good! Of course, then, as soon as I'd wolfed down that bowl I'd be running around like a lunatic outside and consequently burning it off, plus I was a growing boy and could eat and eat and eat without gaining a pound.

Of course, now, I have my waistline to consider...so after that delicious bowl of sugary, flaky goodness...I had to pound 2 hours on the running machine. You can piss off if I'm doing that again, wait another ten years for my next bowl of frosties I think...

So, on my triumphant return to the front room, I sit on my arse and switch on the TV. So, I start flicking through channels when I find 'My neighbor Totoro' is on some obscure kids station.

I had this movie on VHS when I was young, and when I was being a hyperactive little shit (probably from all the frosties) my Ma would plonk me infront of the TV, switch this on and it would always shut me up. I guess I just found this movie unbelievably charming even as a kid. Of course,watching it now I still see all the captivating charm, but now I understand whats actually going on in the story and the climax to it is pretty harsh for a kids film. If you haven't seen it, the two kids mother is in the hospital and not getting better fast. She takes a turn for the worse last night, and the youngest kid (May) tries to walk to the hospital without telling anyone...now, the hospital is pretty far away by anyones standard, and she gets lost. Then begins the desperate search for her, and at one point they find a shoe in the pond, implying that she has fallen in and drowned. The whole thing is pretty intense, but I guess when you are as young as I was, you wouldn't understand what was going on. You are just in it for the colourful characters and the music.

When you get older, everything just looses all it's mystery and magic, nothing is that exciting anymore.

Then I realize I can drink and smoke, so it's all good

Post-valentines blues.

So, here we are, February 15th, day after couples Christmas, and what a DAY yesterday was.

So, I get up in the morning and decide to make an effort with my appearance, I straighten the hair, style it a little (I swear to god, if someone tells me to 'tease' my fringe one more time, Imma kill) then don the collared shirt and waistcoat combo.

I leave he house lookin' GOOOOOOOOD and make my way to college. The sad thing is, I have no one to look good for, so the extra effort was pretty much wasted.

So, the plan was to hit on some sad, single and desperate chick

and hope for a good night (like I do most major holidays) but I could just not even be BOTHERED to do even that. This is the only day of the year EVERYONE can get laid, and I just drifted through it.

I think last year taught me not to get your hopes up when it comes to the opposite sex, because no matter what you think THEY think about you, it's almost definitely wrong. I think I have a habit of mis-understanding friendship to be something more. Oh well, lesson learned right?

So, when the day came to a close I went home, chilled out and had what remained of a bottle of Asti. I was pretty contented by myself, and I think I have finally come to peace with my broken heart...and just like that, I was over the girl I had been chasing since the start of 2010. I saw how happy she was with her other man, and I knew deep down I could never make her smile like that. I wish them both the best, I really do.

As I was about to get an early night however, I decided to check facebook (HABITUAL TEENAGER MUCH!) and I happened to see a status update that troubled me a little. It's just some girl I don't really know, but she was asking for someone to talk to. Against my better judgement I gave her a phonecall...and I've scored a date friday night. How about that? One door closes, another one opens and all that shit.

Just begging I'm not moving on too fast.

Cooking to impress?

If you have a dinner party coming up, then might I suggest you whip up this LEGENDARY dessert called 'sea salt ice cream'.

Now, I know what you're thinking 'SEA SALT! WHAT? THATS NOT A DESSERT, HOW DARE YOU TAINT US WITH SAVORY ICE CREAM!' but hey man, just hear me out.

That is the exact reaction your dinner guests will have when you well them whats on the menu, but once they take their first lick of this salty-sweet treat, they will be so pleasantly surprised.

So, or this glorious recipe you will be needing:

• 2 eggs
• 2 cups of milk
• 1 cup of cream
• 1/2 a cup of sugar
• sea salt
• vanilla flavoring
• Blue food dye

Now, heres what you do. Heat the milk in a pan on medium heat, whilst it is heating separate th 2 egg yolks from the egg whites. Beat the two egg yolks together, then add the half cup of sugar. Start beating some more until you get a thick, pasty mixture. Add this to the heated milk, but you must NOT let it boil, so keep an eye on it. Whilst its cooking, make sure you stir it now and then, but in the meantime, it's time to put those egg whites to good use! Beat them until they are stiff. By the time you have done this, the milk and yolk mixture should be warm enough. Take it off the heat and pour it into the egg white mixture. Stir it all together.

Now it's time to add the sea salt. Taste the mixture first to see if it's sweet enough, if not add a bit more sugar. Now, you want to make it fairly salty, because the vanilla flavoring that goes in later will balance it out. Once thats done, stick it in the fridge until it's cold.

Once it's chilled, take it out the fridge and add the cup of cream and one teaspoon of vanilla flavoring, then mix it up. Now splash some blue food dye in there until it is a light/sky blue.

Now time to pop it in the freezer and you are all done!

Uma Thurman: I still don't know if I think she's hot.

So there I was watching 'Kill Bill' and I was becoming more and more infuriated with my mind because I COULD NOT decide weather Uma Thurman was hot in it.

If you haven't seen 'Kill Bill' yet, do it, it's amazing, it has swords and shit...that makes a good movie, right?

Anyway, if you HAVE seen it then you know the story so I don't have to synopsisize.

But Thurman's character...I just can't tell if she's supposed to be hot or not.

I mean, in the image above she is looking pretty bonerific. The fact she has just killed a japanese schoolgirl with a bit of table kinda helps that too.

But to the right...I mean, just look at that. You KNOW that is her 'o' face. So if you ever manage to actually plow her, when it comes to that crucial point when you are both

about to scream in sexual ecstasy...THAT is what you are gonna see.

Enough to put me off anyway.

I think...

Nope, still can't make up my mind.

Uma, if you're reading...help me out here.