Under the bloggin' bridge

Here we go then, yeah man, here we go, gonna blog like a mo'fo- NONE O' THAT BUFFY TALK, lets kick this pig...

OKAY SO, you can expect film reviews and general talkystuffs that make not a lick o' sense.

Might as well kick off with a review! YEAH BOI! I hear you shout!

Okay, so I'm in TESCO and I'm looking for a little entertainment for a long monday night, and a blu-ray movie catches my eye.

Solomon Kane - 2009 (directed by Michael J Bassett)

So, for a measly £5 and a blurb hat would give any action movie fan a raging stiffy, I thought 'Why the hell not?' and picked it up.

So, there I was watching the CRAP out of it and I honestly did not know what to think. What WAS this movie!? It kept jumping from insanely action-packed to unbearably dull. I guess thats a given with any action film, but this one just does not do it right. The start for example, amazingly high-budget action sequence, lots of explosions and special effects, then an encounter with a badass angel of death with a gnarley flaming sword...but then it plunges into this droll, boring and slow-paced pilgrimage in which our friend Solomon is trying not to kill anybody.

So this drags on for a fair while, until some unbearably nasty thug-types (The kind you see outside closed pubs and murder trails) decide to pay a visit and slaughter all of Solomon's pilgrim buddies...including a pretty graphic depiction of an 11 year old boy getting his throat slit. Now, i'm not sure if that was the film trying to be serious and make you think "Oh my god, that prick has gotta die" but what follows is just silly.

Solomon (as you would) decides to break his oath and start killing everybody in a very over-the-top-but-not-in-a-good-way style, making horrible one liners reminiscent of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

This style repeats itself halfway through, when Solomon finds out the girl he is searching for is supposedly dead. So, like any man without a purpose would do...he gets blind drunk and cries alone in an old tavern. SUDDENLY! BIG EVIL DUDES COME AND CRUCIFY HIM!

No, I'm serious. They nail him to a cross and leave him in the rain. He is all set to die when he sees the girl he thought was dead (holy shit, I never saw it coming either!) and in true over-the-top-but-not-in-a-good-way-style-again he pulls out these gigantic iron nails that have been freshly hammered through his hands and starts killing shit again.

It's as godawful as it sounds

I give it a 5/5, definitely see it, best comedy of 2009 by far!